Tree of Life Adoption Center - Blog

Guidelines for Behavior While visiting Another Culture

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:35:56 -0800

Reprinted (with little change) by kind permission of the Latin American Parent Association)

The guidelines follow, but first you must know that it is very important to speak by telephone or in person to several families who have traveled recently to the same country that you will be visiting, and have used the same source, if possible, because they will have the most up-to-date information on customs and other practical matters.

**DON'T**

*be impatient;
*be inconsiderate, loud, noisy or argumentative;
*overdo on alcohol;
*put yourself on a time schedule and/or set deadlines that your hosts either cannot meet or will have no inclination to try to meet;
*try to "buy" your way for faster service;
*seek or expect to find your culture in the foreign country;
*form a clique with other North Americans and shut out others;
*be afraid to socialize with your hosts;
*make demands and expect everyone to cater to you;
*indulge in political conversation with people in your host country (unless you know them very well, and maybe not even then);
*expect a foreign bureaucracy to work any more efficiently or swiftly than one of ours;
*complain about or criticize different customs and attitudes found in the host country;
*argue if you are told to return tomorrow by the orphanage or passport office, etc.;
*be afraid to ask questions, but phrase them carefully;
*expect sterile conditions, but remember your child made it this far, and will survive even if conditions are not up to your standards of cleanliness or newness;
*take offense if you are treated rudely or brusquely; the best way to handle such situations here or there is to rise above them, stay calm, and not respond in kind.
(Reprinted (with little change) by kind permission of the Latin American Parent Association)

**DO**

*read up on your host country before you travel (check with your local library for reference and travel books);
*be patient with the process and courteous at all times;
*be considerate and aware that you are in a different culture;
*remember that you are a visitor and guest in their country and behave accordingly;
*if possible, stay with local people who have been recommended and who may know the adoption procedures;
*listen to the advice of your guide or host;
*show an interest in the host country's customs and culture and try to adapt to those customs;
*go sightseeing if possible (and take plenty of photographs);
*bring small gifts (flowers, candy) for guides, administrators, etc.;
*dress appropriately for different occasions (meetings with involved officials, sightseeing, etc.);
*dress your child nicely when meeting social workers or other special persons involved with your adoption;
*be flexible about the length of your stay;
*remember, when there is a setback, that with patience and persistence, it will pass and you will go home with your child;
*make apologies for mistakes you may make;
*learn some of the country's language before you travel, and use it: your efforts will be appreciated;
*bring your country's language dictionary with you, and try to learn more of the language while you are there;
*remember that others will adopt through your source after you. Try to leave the country with a favorable impression so as not to make things more difficult for those following you.

Will My Daughter Ever Trust Me? One Dad Searches for Answers

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:31:56 -0800

September 1, 2006
By: Brenda McCreight

Recently, an adoptive father asked me for suggestions on how he could develop a trust based relationship with his seven year old daughter, adopted internationally from an orphanage two years previously.

"It's quite a problem," he said earnestly," because no matter how hard I try, she holds herself back. She has to triple check everything and she's continuously asking me the same questions over and over."

"What kind of questions?"

He thought a moment, "Routine things, like will my wife pick her up after school. I can tell you, my wife picks her up every day, has the whole two years. And when she goes to bed at night, she asks ten times if she asks once, if I'll check on her after she's asleep. And even after all this time, she still hoards food under her pillow and steals little things from my wife."

"I'm curious, why do you think she should trust you?" I asked.

He stared at me as if I had suddenly sprouted horns (ask my teens, they'll tell you I don't need to grow any. I already have a set hidden under my bangs).

"Well, she should trust me because I'm her father and I've shown her I'm a good one&..." he hesitated. "I mean, we're her parents forever now, and we tell her that all the time. We're doing everything we can, but if she could just trust us, it would be way easier to get along."

"Okay," I replied, "let me put it another way - what will change if she trusts you?"

"I thought I just answered that question," his voice was calm, even though his face was getting a bit flushed and his eyes were narrowing. I wondered if that's how he looked to his daughter the ninth time she asked him to check on her. "We'd be more like a real family, the affection would be more natural, she'd be able to give me a spontaneous hug once in a while, she'd stop stealing and hoarding."

He was on a roll now, but I interrupted. "Does she hug you at all?" I asked.

"Well, yes, but my wife or I always have to initiate it. Look, I just want some suggestions for building trust!" He really was a patient man; I could tell that by the way he knotted his hands at his sides instead of yelling at me.

To make a long story short enough to fit the allotted space - what I finally explained to this caring dad was that his daughter would not trust him for a long, long time, probably not until she was well into adulthood. Why should she? Her earliest and most formative years were focused on learning how to survive alone, with no one trust but herself. Then, all of a sudden, she lands in a place so different that it might as well be another planet. And in this foreign place she is given to nice, but very strange, people who proclaim themselves as her mommy and daddy (and expect her to fully understand what those terms mean to them), and who want from her all kinds of things she had never imagined existed. For example, they want her to act like a part of the family before she can understand what a family is. They want to play with her before she learns what toys are for. They want her to keep her bedroom clean before she knows what the little room behind the door is (a closet, actually). They want to cuddle her for no reason whatsoever, and&.they want her to pretend that her past never happened, that nothing ever changes, that good things never disappear without warning or reason, and that all she learned about surviving is never, ever going to be needed again.

I can tell you, as I told that well meaning dad, this is way too much for one little girl to learn in two short years. My advice to him was to back off. Stick with the cuddles, keep playing with her, and helping her, and teaching her, but let her keep her defenses while she learns the survival rules of this new life. I also had to tell him that they were never going to be a "real family" in the way he meant it - that is - one which existed without a history of loss and abandonment, and without a child whose well developed sense of being alone was so strong it chewed up trust like a black hole eats stars.

I also told him that they can still be a "real" adoptive family. They can give her birthday parties, they can teach her how to make friends, they can coach her soccer team and take her to dancing lessons, they can cuddle her at night while they read to her, they can brag about her accomplishments to friends, and when enough years have passed that they have had the time it takes to fill her with stars, they will have earned her trust. Because that is how it happens - parents don't build trust with their children, they earn it by caring, by giving affection, by honesty, by being reliable, by providing safe discipline, and most of all, by simply being there for a long, long, time

Study: Kids Adopted From Abroad Adapt Well

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:31:05 -0800

By LINDSEY TANNER
AP Medical Writer
Wed May 25,11:26 AM ET

CHICAGO - The scenario is increasingly common — eager parents adopt children born in hardship an ocean away, hoping to create a cohesive family against seemingly daunting odds.

And yet, children adopted from abroad seem to adjust remarkably well, according to a new study that challenges the widely held notion that these youngsters are badly damaged emotionally and prone to disruptive behavior.

The analysis of more than 50 years of international data found youngsters adopted from abroad are only slightly more likely than nonadopted children to have behavioral problems such as aggressiveness and anxiety. And they actually seem to have fewer problems than children adopted within their own countries.

"The first years of life should not be considered as inevitable destiny. On the contrary, most children grab the new chance offered to them," said researchers Femmie Juffer and Marinus H. van IJzendoorn of Leiden University in the Netherlands.

The results are generally reassuring for international adoption — a growing trend involving more than 40,000 children a year moving among more than 100 countries, the researchers said.

"Our findings may help them fight the stereotype that is often associated with international adoption," the researchers said.

The study appears in Wednesday's Journal of the American Medical Association.

The authors pooled results from 137 studies on adoptions by parents living in the United States, Canada, Europe, Australia, New Zealand and Israel.

The analysis involved studies on adoption between 1950 and 2005, involving more than 30,000 adoptees and more than 100,000 nonadopted children.

During that time, adoption has evolved from being a "shameful secret" to being celebrated and often very visible, especially with the relatively recent phenomenon of white parents adopting Chinese children, according to a JAMA editorial by Dr. Laurie C. Miller of Tufts-New England Medical Center. In the United States alone, parents have adopted more than 230,000 children from other countries since 1989, she said.

Miller said sensationalized stories about severely disturbed children adopted from abroad have been widespread in the media, which may have skewed perceptions of these children.

In the study, behavior problems were relatively uncommon in all groups studied, but adopted children in general had more of them than nonadopted youngsters, regardless of where the adoption took place. That is not surprising, since both groups often suffer deprivation and come from broken families.

Internationally adopted children had a 20 percent higher chance of being disruptive than nonadopted children, and a 10 percent higher chance of being anxious or withdrawn. They also were twice as likely as nonadopted children to receive mental health services — results that the authors said were much better than expected given these children's often troubled early start in life.

The results might reflect the parents who adopt foreign children, said Dr. Gregory Plemmons of Vanderbilt University's clinic for international adoptees. These parents often are high-achieving and financially well-off, and tend to seek out services like counseling for their children, Plemmons said.

Children adopted within their own countries had an 36 percent higher chance of being anxious or withdrawn than the international adoptees did, and a 50 percent higher chance of being aggressive or disruptive, the study found.

These children were four times more likely than nonadopted children and twice as likely as internationally adopted children to receive mental health services. Also, domestically adopted youngsters had a 60 percent higher chance of having behavior problems than nonadopted children.

Plemmons theorized that children adopted domestically might suffer from the instability of living with different foster families before getting adopted.

A Look Inside: Older Adoptees Learning English & More

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:28:03 -0800

Language learning and development
August 01,2006 / Jason Mosheim

While children adopted from abroad typically are grouped together in the category of "international adoptees," they exhibit many differences. With older children, even those adopted at age 2 or slightly older, learning a new language is not always an ESL skill.

Environmental, emotional and medical factors can impact language development in children raised in institutions. Children have very few opportunities to make choices or express their needs. Their clothes are laid out for them, and they don't get to ask to go to the bathroom or request their favorite foods.

"They eat what's given to them, and they do what's on the schedule. That's how they're used to living," said Susan Hough, PhD, CCC -SLP, of Washington Hospital Children's Therapy Center in McMurray , PA.

Over the past decade she has evaluated thousands of international adoptees. Infants may spend many hours in cribs, and children abruptly are switched to a new room when they get older.

Once they are adopted, however, the tables turn, she said. "Suddenly, they've got these parents who want to give them everything and anything all at once. It's pretty overwhelming."

Caregivers at orphanage are responsible for large numbers of children, leaving little time for individual attention and interaction. A high caregiver-to-child ratio—the average is 15:1—makes it difficult to interact, noted Dr. Hough. Eastern European orphanages typically are described as "eerily quiet" because children quickly learn that crying will not get them what they want.

Medical issues such as otitis media, poor nutrition, low birth weight, deficient immunizations, and undetected vision and hearing problems also can affect development.

It's important to give recently adopted children a chance to spend time adapting to their family and new home. Even after a phase of seemingly rapid new language acquisition and smooth adjustment to the home, children may begin to show significant learning problems, which can persist long after the period needed to address bilingual and adjustment issues.

"If language difficulties were related solely to differences in length of exposure to English, it would be merely a matter of allowing extra time for children to 'catch up' developmentally," said Dr. Hough. "This is often not the case."

Early testing within one or two years of adoption may not be adequate because subtle learning problems may not appear until the child reaches school age. However, early testing can give speech-language pathologists a chance to understand the issues they'll be dealing with down the road.

"A therapist who understands some of the orphanage factors and what the expectations are can evaluate these children. Then, if there is a problem, they'll know the areas that really need help. It's great if you can establish a baseline," she said.

If a parent suspects a young toddler is struggling, Dr. Hough will conduct an evaluation. Children under 3 generally have limited expressive vocabularies in their native language. In fact, international adoptees lose their native expressive language quickly, often within the first three to six months after adoption. Conversely, comprehension skills appear to be retained for a longer period of time.

"There is little motivation to continue to use native language with little or no assistance from the adoptive parents," she said. A period of silence often occurs during this time of transition.

Clinicians should keep a few points in mind when assessing a child adopted internationally:

children lose one month of development for every three months they spend in an orphanage , according to research by Dana Johnson, MD, PhD, of the University of Minnesota International Adoption Clinic, and (***RK Editor Emphasis, see below)
children over age 2 who were adopted before 18 months of age can be evaluated with standardized language assessment norms, while those adopted after that age should not be assessed against standardized norms until two years after adoption, according to Sharon Glennon, PhD, director of the Speech-Language Pathology program at Towson University .

"Dynamic assessments, which look at the child's ability to learn something new, should be considered in this case," said Dr. Hough.

Examples include non-word repetition tasks and natural language samples. Using spontaneous conversation during the assessment also will help clinicians reach an understanding of a child's capabilities.

Speech-language pathologists should examine adoptees when they first arrive at school to make sure they're on target and set up a screening or referral system in second or third grade to make sure they have the ability to deal with the more abstract aspects of language.

Classroom teachers need to be aware of warning signs and bring them to the attention of the clinician. When appropriate, speech-language pathologists can place students in social skills groups or facilitate interactions with other children.

It's crucial to note that children adopted from orphanages are not learning English as a second language ( ESL ). The term "abrupt language switch" is applied to these children because they must abruptly halt their current language development and immediately start learning a new language.

"They start out monolingual, are switched over abruptly and without warning, and then become monolingual again," Dr. Hough explained. "Many times people try to treat them as if they're ESL , but the pattern for language acquisition is very different."

ESL students have families that support them in their first language by interpreting and teaching them new words. This typically is not the case for parents of international adoptees. However, the parents are very much tuned in to their child's needs.

"They will do anything and everything you ask them to do for their child," she said. "They will research; they're the ones who walk in the door with articles in hand."

Speech-language pathologists should use parents as a resource and involve them in therapy. They are particularly helpful in carry-over.

The fact that the parents succeeded in adopting a child from a foreign country speaks to their "remarkable persistence and resilience," Dr. Hough said. However, a problem can occur if they have high expectations that the child is not able to meet. "You have to help them understand that that's OK."

Traditionally, the ratio of boys to girls with speech or language disorders is 3:1, according to Dr. Hough. However, a recent study on Eastern European adoptees found that both genders had their fair share of problems.

"The boys were supposed to be worse than the girls, but girls were as equally delayed as the boys," she said.

The girls had more delays in their use of expressive language, while the boys had more problems with reading. Overall, receptive language skills were not as impaired, and they did well with learning basic vocabulary.

These findings suggest that the difficulties for most of the children are part of a more general linguistic deficit that seems to follow the pattern of children with specific language impairment ( SLI ) rather than delayed language or auditory processing deficits.

"The diagnosis of SLI for these children is possible because they showed a deficit in language acquisition even though their nonverbal intelligence was within or above normal range," said Dr. Hough.

She found that children who were adopted at a later age had more difficulties in reading. Older children have to catch up with language a lot faster and already have some established language.

"I'm much more concerned about them than I am about the younger ones," she said.

In the early years following adoption, language progress varies considerably, researchers have found. Approximately one-third of children show significant delays that require intervention. It is unclear whether these difficulties are delays or true language deficits.

"Given a history of institutionalization and the abrupt switch in language environment, these children should be considered at risk, carefully monitored, and provided therapeutic services as necessary," Dr. Hough stated.

Reprinted with Permission of Advance for Science, By Jason Mosheim

Imagine Yourself as a Child...

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:23:14 -0800

April 01,2004
By: Rebecca M. Thomas
Imagine. You are a young child--one, five, eight years old--or maybe older. One day, someone comes to you in your foster home or your orphanage and says: "Very soon you're going to be leaving the world you know here with us forever. You are going to live with people you don't know. They will be your new family. No one you know will go with you. You may not recognize many things in your new home or neighborhood, but you'll get used to them. Soon, you'll be happy there in your new life."

For most children who are adopted, this transition from a known way of life--however good or bad it may be--to an unknown world represents a major life change as well as a significant life "loss." Yet, even though such transition may be difficult at first, most adoption stories have very happy endings!

Children of all ages placed for adoption do make a remarkable adjustment in being with their new family in a fairly short period of time. And their new families embrace them with great love, care and sensitivity to their needs. During this transitional time, which can last from just a few days or weeks to a few months or even years, each person in the family begins to bond and form a loving attachment with the new child.

Attachment is a core issue in adoption. Because without successful attachment, life is often difficult, stressful, empty or lonely for the child.

7 CORE ISSUES IN ADOPTION:

LOSS

Fears ultimate abandonment

Loss of biological, genetic, and cultural history

Issues of holding on and letting go

REJECTION

Placement for adoption as a personal rejection

Can only be “chosen” if first rejected

Issues of self-esteem

Anticipates rejection

Misperceives situations

GUILT / SHAME

Feels deserving of misfortune

Ashamed of being different

May take defensive stance Anger

GRIEF

Grief overlooked in childhood or blocked by adult leading to depression and acting out

May grieve lack of “fit” in adoptive family

IDENTITY

Deficits in information about birth parents, birthplace, etc. may impede integration of identity

May seek identity in early pregnancies or extreme behaviors in order to create a sense of belonging

INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIPS

Fears getting close and risking reenactment of earlier losses

Concerns over possible incest (e.g. with an unrecognized sibling)

Bonding issues may lower capacity for intimacy

CONTROL / GAINS

Adoption alters life course

Aware of not being a party to initial adoption decisions, in which adults made life-altering choices

Haphazard nature of adoption removes cause-and-effect continuum

As an adoptive parent, you want to bring a child into your home and make that child a part of your family forever. If you're like most adoptive parents, you don't make a distinction between an adopted child and a biological child. You simply want your adopted child to behave as if he or she had always been your child.

Adoptive parents often become impatient with the attachment process because it does takes time for the bonds to form. Sometimes longer than they like! But the wait, the effort and the love you put into developing an attachment with your adopted child are worth it in the long run!

What is attachment all about? In this feature piece, we'll take a look at key components of this important aspect of adoption. Here, you'll read about:

1) What is bonding? What is attachment?

2) Why is attachment important?

3) How can I tell if my child is forming a healthy attachment to me?

4) Are there signals that attachment is not going well?

5) What are some ways I can foster good attachment?

6) What books or information can I read to better understand adoption and attachment?

7) Where are the online resources related to attachment issues?

The terms bonding and attachment often are used interchangeably when people talk about the developing relationship between adoptive parents and their children. Actually, the two words refer to different aspects of that relationship. The distinction between the concepts is especially important for adoptive families.

"Essentially, you can have a bond with someone, or something, you don't even know," explains Marilyn Durbin, LCSW, a therapist specializing in adoption issues. "For instance, unborn children and their biological mothers have a bond, even though the two of them haven't met.

But adoptive parents don't have the opportunity to bond with their child in the same way that biological parents do. The attachment starts once you meet your child and the relationship actually begins. The distinction is important because in adoption there is no pre-bond--an important step in parenting. "You might bond with a photograph of an unknown child, but once you meet the child, says Durbin, "That's when the attachment begins."

So, what most people are talking about when they refer to bonding with their adopted child is really developing an attachment with their son or daughter. Because attachment is about building a relationship, you will find that attachment is truly an ongoing process that grows and changes over time.

Each family and child will have their own "timeline" for forming an attachment, depending on various factors. A child's age, genetic and environmental background, culture, mental and physical health status--as well as the parents' capability and willingness to allow attachments to form in their own way, at their own pace--all play important roles in forming attachments.

"There's reason to believe that a child's experience of his parents is an especially potent sculptor of the parts of the brain involved in emotion, personality and behavior. Some studies indicate that the strength of a child's bonding with his caregivers may increase his ability to learn and to cope with stress."

From "Babies, Bonds and Brains," by Karen Wright

Discover magazine, October 1997

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is normal attachment behavior as newly adopted children transition into their forever families?

All families, both adoptive and biological, go through different stages in the attachment process as the children and parents come to know one another. In adoptive families, the way attachment "plays out" often relates to the age of the child at the time he or she enters their "forever" family.

Newly adopted children of all ages, including infants, go through a grieving process. They have experienced a major break with a known way of life, even if that life may not have been good. This kind of break is experienced as a psychological loss. It will take time for your child to heal the wound from that loss and to adjust to a new life with you.

To determine whether your child is forming appropriate attachments, new adoptive parents can start by determining if their child is at the normal stage of development for his/her age.

"There is a whole spectrum of behaviors you'll see in newly adopted children as they begin forming attachments to their new parents," explains Durbin. At first, parents may see what's often call the "honeymoon phase," where the child is on her best behavior, following all the "rules" and making little or no fuss about anything. This phase eventually ends.

Once the honeymoon phase passes, parents can expect a newly adopted child to test the limits of the relationship. The bottom line? The child--regardless of his or her age--wants to find out if the parents are really, truly going to hang in there no matter what.

"The issue here is about trust," says Durbin. "Through behavior mostly, the child will be asking, 'Will this person (my new parent) really take care of me?' So early on, newly adopted kids usually set up situations to reject the relationship. This is normal for any kid coming into a permanent family situation."

In some cases, children test their new parents through fits of anger and rage, tantrums, lying, fighting or breaking even the simplest rules of the family. Other signs of trying to reject attachment might include problems with eating or sleeping, whining, clinging or regressing in toilet habits.

In other cases, a child might show what's known as passive-aggressive behavior. "These kids use quiet sabotage," notes Durbin. "They'll do things like get up in the morning, and while everybody else is rushing around preparing for a busy day, the child won't budge, but just sits quietly on the bed, looking sweet. After several days (or weeks or months) of this, parents get angry. And that's the test."

Many adoptive parents can easily become overly anxious about whether an attachment is forming, especially within the first few months after their child comes home. Parents should be cautious about over-stimulating their new children in their attempt to be "good parents," says Lois Melina, in her book, "Raising Adopted Children: A Manual for Adoptive Parents." "Babies may respond to such intensity by withdrawing. The adoptive parent who misinterprets the baby's need for rest as rejection may try even harder to communicate with the baby, prompting even more withdrawal."

What signs can you look for that may represent steps toward forming a healthy attachment? Children of all ages who make good eye contact, who want to be nurtured with touch, hugs, cuddling -- these are signals that the relationship is evolving in a positive way. "I would begin to worry after about six to 12 months if your child hasn't started to show some attachment behavior in terms of coming to you, allowing you to care for them, the anger or tantrums have lessened, and they aren't trying to be controlling," says Durbin.

There is a lot of information and many resources available to help families understand and deal with attachment issues. Be sure to check the "Resources" section at the end for suggestions.

What causes attachment problems? What behaviors signal problems with attachment?

In many cases, adopted children do not have significant problems with forming attachment. They make a fairly smooth transition into becoming a permanent part of their forever families.

So, issues most of these adopted children face are issues common to all children, along with issues related directly to adoption, according to Dr. Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky, LSW in their book "Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special-Need Kids."

"The types of problems that adoptive families see in their children are most likely the result of breaks in attachment that occur within the first three years. And they are problems that impair, and even cripple, a child's ability to trust and bond--or attach--to other human beings," say Keck and Kupecky.

How can you tell if your adopted child is struggling with attachment issues? They probably will exhibit many, or even all, of the following symptoms:

• Superficially engaging and "charming" behavior

• Indiscriminate affection toward strangers

• Lack of affection with parents on their terms (not cuddly)

• Little eye contact with parents on normal terms

• Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter

• Inappropriate demanding and clingy behavior

• Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)

• Stealing

• Destructive behavior to self, to others and to material things (accident prone)

• Abnormal eating patterns

• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)

• Lags in learning

• Abnormal speech patterns

• Poor peer relationships

• Lack of cause-and-effect thinking

• Lack of conscience

• Cruelty to animals

• Preoccupation with fire

Source: "Adopting the Hurt Child" by Gregory C. Keck Ph.D., and Regina M. Kupecky LSW

There is a lot of information and many resources available to help families understand and deal with attachment issues.

Top Ten Don'ts for Parents of

Unattached Children

1.Don't take the child's behavior personally. Doing this leads you to lose good interaction and decreases the chance of attachment.

2.Don't get into blaming the social workers, the school, your spouse, yourself. Concentrating on blaming takes away energy needed for advocacy for your child and healing for all of you.

3.Don't doubt yourself. The hard work, love, and commitment you have given to the child counts, even if things don't go well all the time.

4.Don't always accept the first diagnosis of your child's problem. This is especially true if you have a gut feeling it's wrong. A second opinion is just as important for a child's psychiatric diagnosis as for a physical diagnosis.

5.Don't give up hope of finding help/resources. There are many helpful organizations out there, "creative funding" to help pay for some therapy.

6.Don't go beyond your limits or take on too much. If you overstress yourself and get physically ill or have a nervous breakdown you won't be able to help anyone, not even yourself.

7.Don't believe that one person, one couple can't do anything to make a difference. "The squeaking wheel gets the grease." If you're persistent and willing to write lots of letters or make many calls (to legislators, the media, etc.) you can shake things up, wake people up.

8. Don't forget to make and cultivate friendships with those who do understand.

9. Don't believe you aren't making a difference in your child's life

What's In a Name

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:20:23 -0800

MUMBAI, India — Hundreds of Indian girls whose names mean "unwanted" in Hindi chose new names Saturday for a fresh start in life.

A central Indian district held a renaming ceremony it hopes will give the girls new dignity and help fight widespread gender discrimination that gives India a skewed gender ratio, with far more boys than girls.

The girls — wearing their best outfits with barrettes, braids and bows in their hair — lined up to receive certificates with their new names along with small flower bouquets from Satara district officials in Maharashtra state.

In shedding names like "Nakusa" or "Nakushi," which mean "unwanted" in Hindi, some girls chose to name themselves after Bollywood stars like "Aishwarya" or Hindu goddesses like "Savitri." Some just wanted traditional names with happier meanings, such as "Vaishali" or "prosperous, beautiful and good."

"Now in school, my classmates and friends will be calling me this new name, and that makes me very happy," said a 15-year-old girl who had been named Nakusa by a grandfather disappointed by her birth. She chose the new name "Ashmita," which means "very tough" or "rock hard" in Hindi.

The plight of girls in India came to a focus as this year's census showed the nation's sex ratio had dropped over the past decade from 927 girls for every 1,000 boys under the age of 6 to 914.

Maharashtra state's ratio is well below that, with just 883 girls for every 1,000 boys — down from 913 a decade ago. In the district of Satara, it is even lower at 881.

Such ratios are the result of abortions of female fetuses, or just sheer neglect leading to a higher death rate among girls. The problem is so serious in India that hospitals are legally banned from revealing the gender of an unborn fetus in order to prevent sex-selective abortions, though evidence suggests the information gets out.

Part of the reason Indians favor sons is the enormous expense of marrying off girls. Families often go into debt arranging marriages and paying for elaborate dowries. A boy, on the other hand, will one day bring home a bride and dowry. Hindu custom also dictates that only sons can light their parents' funeral pyres.
"Nakusa is a very negative name as far as female discrimination is concerned," said Satara district health officer Dr. Bhagwan Pawar, who came up with the idea for the renaming ceremony.

Other incentives, announced by federal or state governments every few years, include free meals and free education to encourage people to take care of their girls, and even cash bonuses for families with girls who graduate from high school.

Activists say the name "unwanted," which is widely given to girls across India, gives them the feeling they are worthless and a burden.

"When the child thinks about it, you know, 'My mom, my dad, and all my relatives and society call me unwanted,' she will feel very bad and depressed," said Sudha Kankaria of the organization Save the Girl Child. But giving these girls new names is only the beginning, she said.

"We have to take care of the girls, their education and even financial and social security, or again the cycle is going to repeat."

A Child's First Christmas Home

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:08:14 -0800

Advice from the trenches
December 01,2006 / Martha Osborne

For those who are experiencing the joy of the Christmas or Hanukah season
for the first time with your older (above age 4 years) child, I want to give you
just a small, but incredibly important, piece of advice that I, and countless
others, have learned along the way. This holiday is going to be different. It
doesn't matter if you have adopted younger kids before, because they didn't 'get
it'. It doesn't matter if you are the Parent of the Year with your
birth-children, and you think you have got it all figured out. I'm begging
you....get ready.

There are those of us who have had years of parenting experience before
adopting an older child. We also were incredible, capable and of course
completely prepared. HA! We are all now on secret email lists sharing stories
and wishing we could both communicate the absolute joy of parenting these
kids...and the very real need for "first time parents of older-adoptees" to open
their minds and accept a little advice.

Get ready to hear this:
I want, I want, I WANT! I WAAANNNTT THAT MOMMY!

With the constant barrage of advertisements and television commercials aimed
at children year round and especially through the Holiday season, a child's
first Christmas home can be a little more stressful than her family may have
anticipated.
Often, having had to survive a number of Holiday seasons wondering if they
would ever have the experience of purchasing gifts for a son or daughter, many
new adoptive parents are at risk of overwhelming and indulging the new child in
the family.

Do you see yourself here?

Children who have previously experienced extreme deprivation may seem to have
a never-ending list of toys and gifts they want and expect. Many adoptive
parents struggle with their sincere desire to please their child and to
experience the joy and excitement of giving their long-awaited child the
fullness of their heart's desire. But what is truly in the child's best
interest?

Having gone through a tremendous amount of work and preparation to become
parents, adoptive parents are clearly up to the challenging task of achieving a
healthy balance. Traditions, like cookie baking, visiting friends, and
decorations placed in the same place year after year, will be long remembered
after that plastic toy has broken or been thrown away.

The best material gift you can give your first older adoptive child is: LESS.
Emotionally, give more. Decorate your home, take late night drives through
neighborhoods with bright lights, sing carols, celebrate family in every way
possible. But remember: If you have other children, your newly adopted child
will not measure gifts in expense (there is absolutely no concept of cost), but
in number. S-L-O-W Down on Christmas morning. Take turns opening gifts, admiring
each one, and absolutely make sure that the new child has at least the same
number as the other children.
And please know this...it won't always matter. Every parent of an older
adoptee is so thrilled to see the present opening and of course there is an
emotional 'kick-back' that they are expecting. Some parents, unfortunately,
become angry, displeased...they may not get the 'appreciation' that they did not
even know they were expecting. The child isn't 'grateful' for the gifts. But ask
yourself this: Did they enjoy the cookie baking? The carols? The walks through
the park with all its lights in splendor? For these kids FAMILY and GIFTS are
separate.

When thinking about what to give your newly adopted child, remember that YOU
are your child's greatest gift. Make her first Christmas home the one she will
remember for a lifetime.
Take many digital photos and have them developed
during the season. Allow older children to take photos and add them to the new
photo album .Decorate together, being mindful that fragile items might be
saved for a later year, as the excitement of the season will make children
sometimes careless don't let a broken object ruin this joyous season.
Spend
time with friends and family, but remember that too much stimulation can
completely overwhelm a child who has grown up in another culture or in an
orphanage. Their behavior may not be as you would hope, and it is important to
have a Plan B in place for a new adoptee;a quite place the child can be alone
with a parent when things are too overwhelming. Consider ahead of time whether or not the season is a religious time for your family, or simply a traditional time. If religious, too much emphasis on Santa (a fictional
character) can be confusing for the older child and he is very likely, as has
been seen by other adoptive families, to also consider Jesus fictional when they are presented at the same time.
Help your child to compose a card or letter to their former orphanage. This is a wonderful time to send a small donation to
the orphanage with recent photos of your child. Allowing your child to draw a picture, send stickers, etc is very empowering and beneficial. Often, you will
be very touched by what they wish to send and the letters that they write. And finally, let the word flexibility' be your mantra.

Remembering the less fortunate:
If your child has been home for more than 6 months and has the language
skills, it is important to incorporate helping the less fortunate immediately
into your traditions. Most orphanage-raised children do NOT believe there are
children in the USA that are poor' or who do not have families. In addition to
sending a donation to your child's orphanage (a common practice for adoptive
parents), finding a way to help children within their new country gives your
child a sense of charity, community involvement, and simply helps to form good
character.

With a bit of forethought and mindfulness, encouraging an emphasis on
remembering less fortunate children instead of getting the latest must-have toy
really is possible.

One quick way to help other children is to search the RainbowKids.com Help a
Child Area . Within this area several charities have listed their needs and ways
that you may assist the children who still wait.

Other ideas you may find in your community or may wish to initiate yourself:

• Become an Angel
Often organizations such as the Salvation Army or
Make a Wish Foundation will have a booth at your local mall with Christmas trees
that have angel ornaments hanging on the branches. The ornaments have the age of
the child and a gift they would like to receive. You and your child remove an
ornament of your choosing, purchase the desired gift, and the organization wraps
it!

• The Humane Society and other Animal Shelters
Some adoptive
children may feel too competitive with other children and will be more
enthusiastic about giving to animals. If your child shows an interest in
animals, animal shelters are always in need of supplies, as well as old towels
and blankets.

• Department of Family and Children Services
Families who foster
children frequently have four, five or six children to provide for during the
holidays. Donors usually receive the age, clothing size and toy wish of a child
or set of siblings. Frequently stockings to be stuffed with school and hygiene
supplies for the children are provided and a food drive is held to provide food
for the holiday meal.

• Adult Day Care Centers
If possible sharing time with your child
this Holiday season while you both donate time at an adult day care center is a
win/win situation. Adult day care centers can always use volunteers to help in
various activities such as Bingo or decorating for festivities. It can be quite
powerful for children to experience the joy a simple smile can bring and learn
how the holidays were celebrated in years past.

• Donate to a Shelter for Battered Women & Their Children
If your financial situation is tight and there are limited funds, as a physical and visual reminder of how much you and your family already have and take for granted during the holidays and throughout the year, donate your gently used toys and items to those who have even less. Even better would be to call and ask if there were donations of wrapped toys you could make. A child in crisis would adore a newly packaged and wrapped toy. Be certain to phone ahead as domestic violence shelters often have undisclosed addresses and a drop off location will need to be provided.

By enjoying your child and sharing time together during the holiday season
remembering the less fortunate, you will help develop values and memories which
will endure a life time and carry through to their own parenting.

Transition from Orphanage to Home

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:06:06 -0800

By Rita Taddonio, CSW, Director of SPARK (Child Development Program) at
Spence-Chapin

If you are preparing to bring your child home, or have recently arrived home
with your child, there are a number of things that are important to understand:

First and foremost, keep in mind that while you have spent months, perhaps
years, preparing your minds and hearts to welcome this child into your lives and
become a family, your child has had little, if any, preparation for this
incredibly huge and significant change in his or her life.

Your child was going along with the daily routine when one day, there was an
introduction to this person who is to be their new Mom or Dad. Certainly nothing
told to them in the way of preparation makes sense to them. Cognitively, most of
them are too young to understand that they are getting a new family, and most of
them have no reference point for "family." If you have lived all but the first
month or two of your life in an orphanage, you have no real understanding of
what family means. If your child is older and has memories of a dysfunctional or
unstable family life, those memories won't be an accurate reflection of the new
relationship ahead with your family.

Don't be too upset or surprised if your child doesn't react to you the way
you expected or hoped. Don't take it personally. It takes time to fall in love.
It takes time to become a family - to learn how to interact with each other's
personalities, temperaments, etc.

In addition, orphanage life requires different skills than family life. In
fact, survival skills for life in an orphanage may be "dysfunctional" in a
family or American school system.

Consider these points:
Life in institutions is often based on
submissive/dominance models; therefore, your child at home may seem too
aggressive or too passive.
If a child had to be very self-sufficient for
survival, or was older and became a caretaker for younger children in the
institution, it will be hard for the child to let you be the parent.
The
extremely routinized life in institutions does not equip children with skills to
handle transitions.
In an institution, everything is outer regulated: when
you sleep, when you eat, when you go to the bathroom - so a child doesn't have
any opportunities to learn self-regulation or deal with choices.
In an
institution, there are many changes over which a child has no control - staff,
changes in what room he/she lives in because of age. This can create control
issues and/or a lag in developing trust.
Living with multiple caregivers may
result in indiscriminate friendliness. This is not the same as attachment
disorder.
There are times when attachment disorder is an issue - but it can
be dealt with successfully with appropriate intervention.
The children will
not be used to having things of their own. It will take time to learn the
concept of personal property.

There are positives and negatives to each of the above points. The important
thing is that understanding where a behavior may be coming from helps you deal
with it appropriately.

Your child may be coming home at 8 months, 18 months, or 28 months, but you
will have to teach her/him how to be in a family, how to have social
relationships.

Lastly, remember that this is a huge transition for your child. Everything -
smells, foods, sounds, textures, language, faces - is going to be radically
different from what they are used to and recognize. Respect that by going slowly
in introducing them to new things (people, places, toys, foods, etc.).

Practical Suggestions for Parents

While You Wait
Educate yourself about the effects of institutionalization
on development.
Examine what expectations you have for your child, for
yourself as a parent, and for your new family - and consider how realistic they
are.
Try to get a clear understanding of the developmental stage /
capabilities typical of the specific age of your child.
If your child is
older than two years, try to learn some simple phrases in her/his native
language.
Try to have ongoing contact during this waiting period - send
pictures, letters... involve siblings in drawing pictures, etc.
Send or
bring a transition object - a small stuffed animal, a blanket. Hopefully
orphanage staff will share photos or letters with your child but they may not.
You can ask them to send drawings if your child is older. This may not happen
either but it doesn't hurt to ask.

Saying Goodbye at the Orphanage
Try to have time to say goodbye properly,
not rushed. Bring something the child can give to caretakers.
Take pictures
with an instant camera and give them to caretakers. Take photos of your child
with caretakers, others children, the orphanage, and the town to take home.

Bring a transition object (in case the one you sent got lost).
Bring
activities for the plane.

Transition at Home
Presume your child's development will be delayed in at
least one area, maybe more. Early childhood specialists agree that there is
about a 1 month delay for every 3 months in an institution.
Be aware that
socially and emotionally your child may be operating on the level of a child
younger than her/his chronological age.
Avoid sensory overload - keep
gatherings low-key, don't fill their room with "stuff."
Make sure you are
the one doing all the "parenting" tasks such as bathing, feeding, putting to
sleep - no matter how much grandparents or aunts/uncles want to do it.
Try
to be fairly consistent with structure and routine.
If possible, allow your
child to have a transitional object - a picture of friends from the orphanage, a
stuffed dog or blanket you brought with you when you went to get them in their
country.
If at all possible, take as much time as you can off from work to
be with your child during this transition time, not just for the time you need
to be in their country, but when you come home as well.
Remember that
bonding doesn't "just happen." Provide experiences and interactions that will
promote bonding.<
Think about testing and finding appropriate school
programs.
Again, give yourself and your child time to fall in love.

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Sleeping Transition

Guest: What do you think about sleeping arrangements for when you first come
home with the baby - same room?
Rita: Over the years my thinking on this has
altered. I used to believe start out in their own room right away, now I really
think it is a call you have to make considering your temperament and your
child's. Going from sleeping with a room full of other kids to being by
themselves is really hard. I'd see how stressed your child is being in their own
room and then if it is too stressful move the bed in your room, or the child can
sleep with you but then be prepared to take a long time to change that
arrangement. How old is your child?
Guest: We still have not traveled yet...
hoping for under 18 mo from Russia.
Rita: Sleep is a difficult issue for most
of our kids... if you can try to give him/her a transitional comfort object as
soon as you take her/him from the orphanage... a blanket, a cuddly bear.

Guest: I hear a lot of people talk about children becoming hysterical at
bedtime, nap time. What causes this and what can you do to help? These seem to
be kids that are fine/happy during rest of day.
Rita: Bedtime, sleep time is
scary for most kids. It is a time when they feel out of control. Some may fear
you won't be there when they wake up or that they will moved to a different
place. The best thing to do is help them transition by having regular routines
around bedtime. Be there as a comforting presence. Have nap times at the same
time every day if possible. Don't get them all excited like roughhousing before
bedtime (Dads like to do that some time... it's great but not before sleepy
time).
Food Transition

Guest: Can you talk a little about food transitions?
Rita: At first,
because they have never had enough, make food accessible - like having lots of
fruit out and around.
Guest: That's interesting... I hadn't heard that yet.

Rita: You might try to make some things that have the flavoring they are
used to, but a child 18 months will pretty much adapt to any food if it appeals
to their taste buds. Most children from an orphanage are used to eating at a set
time so it might be helpful to find out from the staff when those times were and
keep a fairly regular schedule of meal times as a family. Most children will not
be used to family style meals so you will have to teach your child how your
family has dinner for example - let them know what your expectations are. Also
keep in mind that toddlers have no concept of time and what it takes to prepare
food , so expect some impatience. In an orphanage, the food appears at a certain
time and the are sat down and fed, often toddlers are spoon fed, so you may have
to help your child how to feed themselves. Expect a mess, its part of the
learning process. Many orphanages can only afford mush with trace bits of meat
so your child may come to you slightly malnourished, or underweight, or having
difficulty or dislike of chewing. Chewing takes work and they aren't used to it.
But it is important to develop muscle tone of the mouth muscles so language can
develop. Make a game of chewing, make a song like "chew, chew, swallow" and
model it.

Guest: Do you have to worry more about choking/gag reflex because these
babies aren't used to food with textures?
Rita: Not usually unless there is
a medical issue of some sort. Most kids adapt fairly well to textures unless
there is a sensory issue.

Guest: What about giving a toddler a bottle in Russia when they no longer use
a bottle?
Rita: If a child is off the bottle I don't see any reason to go
back. Bottles hinder the development of the muscles for talking and there are
other ways to create nurturing moments, like holding & rocking and singing
lullabies, songs, etc.
Guest: I thought it would improve their sucking
abilities?
Rita: If your child is going to be around 18 months, you want
them using a sippy cup and learning how to chew, and blowing bubbles and
imitating language - that's your priority, not sucking.
Guest: Ok.
Thanks!
Rita: Good question., I think it's one others often have.

Getting Health/Preferences Information

Guest: In preparing for transition and services, how much information is
really available on the child's history to help the planning process? And are
some countries better than others about providing accurate information?

Rita: As you know the level of information varies greatly in its amount and
accuracy, however most of the info. is medical in nature. To find out your
child's likes, patterns, and even history, your best bet is to get as much info
from the caretaker at the orphanage as possible when you go to get your child.
Not only do countries vary but orphanages within the same country vary in the
amount and type and accuracy of info you will get beforehand, unless you are
adopting a special needs child where you will have a clear idea of your child's
issue beforehand. In all cases, upon arrival home I would suggest an assessment.
It would be great to have info ahead of time but the system just doesn't seem to
function that way.

Guest: For countries requiring 2 visits, do you recommend that parents take
their own videos w/sound to let drs see here at home?
Rita: Yes but you have
to keep in mind not to offend the doctors and caretakers at the orphange who
have expressed to me that they feel disrespected by Americans who measure
children's head circumference and take pictures, etc. It's all in how you do it,
how you approach them. It is best to explain you want to be able to have these
for memories and to watch while you are waiting to return, etc.

Bulgarian Adoptees Reunion Success!

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 15:57:00 -0800

Tree of Life Adoption Center is a proud sponsor of:
Bulgarian Adoptive Families Reunion 2011
Hueston Woods, Cincinnati, OH

The first annual “Bulgarian Adoptive Families Reunion” was organized and brought to completion under the guidance of one of TOL’s adoptive mom’s, Yvonne Villemure and her wonderful friend Viviane Martini (currently adopting with Hopscotch Agency ). The reunion was a success with 74 total attendees, 26 were Bulgarian adoptees! There were brothers, sisters, moms, dads and even an aunt and a grandma. The committee reported that families traveled from Maryland, New York, Pennsylvania, Iowa, Tennessee, Kentucky, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, and California to enjoy the balmy 105 degrees weather a Hueston Woods Park in Cincinnati, OH. The weather did not get in the way of families enjoying the event, all the park had to offer and to request this be an annual event. Several of the families were past and present clients of TOL and it was wonderful for our TOL Bulgarian Coordinator, Kay Montes, to witness how those children TOL has brought from Bulgaria over the years have grown and matured since arriving home with their new families. Kay attended the reunion with her family including their three Bulgarian born
children.

The most wonderful element of this event was that the focus was on the family, not just the children who have been adopted from Bulgaria. This event concentrated its efforts on exposing the children to the Bulgarian cultural as a family. The reunion committee organized many children and adult activities for the entire family to participate in, such as bubbles, beads, crafts, writing Cyrillic letters, scavenger hunts, singing, dancing, making s’ mores, and sharing several meals together. The Saturday night potluck brought several authentic Bulgarian dishes, and local Cincinnati Bulgarians taught the Horo dance, singing Bulgarian children’s songs, gave a power point presentation about the history of Bulgaria, and taught the children Cyrillic lettering and how to write their names in Bulgarian. Many new friendships were made and a definite sense of pride in knowing that ‘those kids look like me’ could be heard throughout the weekend. Each child went home with a beautiful new T-shirt with a great Bulgarian map on the front and room for each child to add their own artistic skills.

Families in process to adopt from Bulgaria were able to connect with families who have brought children home, families recently home were able to connect with those home for a few years, Bulgarian children made connections with others that are their same age, families who have recently arrived home were able to get ideas from other families and share what they have learned. A rare insight was shared by an adult adoptee who told her story of adoption and her journey to Bulgaria as an adult, families had an environment to share their triumphs, victories and frustrations with other families. Most admirable
was seeing that all the children were given a safe environment in which to play hard and make lifetime friendships.

Our deep thanks to Yvonne and Viviane; the food was amazing, the activities well planned, the t-shirts are a wonderful reminder of a tremendous weekend together. Thanks for the memories and new friendships; photos to be shared in the near future. Next year’s Reunion location to be announced.

The United States and UNICEF wage war on International Adoptions

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 15:13:13 -0800

Wednesday, August 3, 2011 - Red Thread: An Adoptive Family Forum by Andrea Poe
EASTON, Md, August 2, 2011—When I speak to people outside the adoption community, many are incredulous that UNICEF, the very organization that provides so much aid to children worldwide,is behind restricting inter-country adoption. On the surface it just doesn’t make sense. To fully understand what is happening, why countries around the world – from Guatemala to Vietnam to Kyrgyzstan -- are under enormous pressure to reinvent, reduce and, in some cases, end their inter-country adoption programs, you must understand the “why” behind the “what.”

When pressed for reasons why the U.S. Department of State (DoS) and UNICEF they actively engage in closing inter-country adoption programs, the very first response from both entities is that they are protecting children. They say they
are working towards an adoption system that works against child trafficking. That goal is laudable. The safety of children, of course, is paramount and must be the cornerstone of any adoption program. I have yet to meet an adoptive family that believes otherwise. The good news is we all agree. So where’s the problem?

Ultimately UNICEF, and to a lesser extent the Department of State, are opposed to inter-country adoption, calling it a “last resort” for children. Just what is the first resort? UNICEF offers what appears to be a vague notion of social and economic justice in the world. I share their enthusiasm for creating a more just world, and, in my experience, American families who adopt from overseas tend to be more engaged in the issues of economic justice in their children’s birth countries than others. We are natural allies of UNICEF, so what’s going so wrong in relations between many adoptive parents and the
organization?

The stumbling block is that unlike UNICEF adoptive parents do not believe that even a single child should be subjected to life as an orphan, serving in effect as collateral damage, as geopolitical solutions to world poverty are played out. To us, it is patently unfair for children to be held hostage, condemned to life without a family, as the world works towards peace and
justice.

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